Truly yours, in waiting…!!!

I long for the day to end so I could be with you again, counting the day in minutes and hours, so the day could pass by and welcome another. I long to be in your arms, smell your scent lying next to me, your whispers in my ears sending ripples down my spine. Only you can take me to such heights, no wonder I feel for you day and night. If only you knew what I want, if you could read my mind you’d know… you are irresistible to me. So many days gone by, so many nights spent in emptiness. I wish to be with you forever, but I know I shouldn’t be hasty. Don’t want to scare you, don’t want to lose you. But for how long should I hold on, honey only you can tell. One of these days, I know you’d call and I’ll be here with open arms to accommodate your wishes. Truly yours, in waiting…!!!

Its like Dejavu all over…!!!

I’ve been here before... this sensation, this sense of belonging, the caring gaze, the sensual touch and decades apart. Lingering in memory are the pain, the depart and depression flowing in as the truth imparts right before my eyes. “You’re mature, you should know better”, like that’s going to change one’s emotions. I feel plagued in a triangle of the same indecent proposals, fatal attractions and immature minds. Here I go again fighting to lid my emotion, its like dejavu all over…!!!

Another Academic Term ends…!!!

The final presentations of the final semester students are finally over. I must say I am impressed and also inspired by most of my friends… they have all done a commendable job on their final project. I wish them all a very successful career in the field of technology and hope to see at least some of them achieve their Masters Degree in the near future.

I’ll be doing my final project next year (next sem) hopefully and I hope I’ll be able to do a competent job myself. So good luck to me and everyone else that’ll be joining me next semester…!!!

What do I like about you...???

I don’t like it that you never call me. I don’t like it that you never ask me how I’m doing. I don’t like it that you never reply to my messages or return my calls. I don’t like it that you never take me out on dates. I don’t like it that you never consider my feelings. I don’t like it that you never put an effort for me. I don’t like it that you never want to listen to me. I don’t like it that you don’t try to know me more. I don’t like it, that I can’t reach you when I’m upset or to share my joy. And most of all, I don’t like your smoking…
What I do like about you… is that you dont give me anything to like you for.
Cos if you did… I’d fall in love with you…!!!

The best birthday ever...!!!

This has been like the best birthday ever. I never realized my kids have grown up so much… to plan out and give me a surprise party… WOW. It was amazing how they’d kept the whole thing to themselves without spilling the beans on me… and not even a hint too until the very last minute. I’m so proud of them both and thanks to all who helped them. And then, a late night dinner from a friend made the day all too special… indeed this has been the best birthday ever…!!!

I’m just wishing for someone…!!!

It’s one of those nights, when I wish I had a companion… Someone to mould me in his arm, kiss the tiredness out of me, make love to me again and again till every muscle in me is well relaxed and hold me in his arms till I fall asleep. One would think I’m missing someone, but No that’s not it. You can’t miss something you’ve never had, can you :). No… I’m not missing anyone… I’m just wishing for someone…!!!

Time has changed… and so have I…!!!

Dwelling on false hope is the last thing I want to do right now. Love and affection are only words of fiction. In the real world its just lust and desire… A single mother in her thirties spells nothing more than bait; the only motive in a man’s every approach is to fulfill a selfish desire. But then again… one shouldn’t label them all as same. There may be exceptions…!! Nonetheless I have come to accept the inevitable, there is no such thing as “Mr. right” or “Prince Charming”… but I do not wish to dwell in agony of not finding love. After all life has got much to offer and I have much to offer to this world. The table has turned, things have changed, time has changed… and so have I…!!!

A time to keep up with pace..!!!

Nearing the end of another semester, all the assignments and studies are piling up. This October seems hectic; an assignment is due like every other day. This semester has been different from others, with subjects that require a wide range of knowledge and practical intervention, also a considerable amount of research too. I have also made some very good friends whose knowledge on the subjects is unquestionable and practical. In the days ahead I’m going to have to spend as much time on studies as possible, and that would mean some very sleepless nights too. Never the less I’m up for the challenge and I know I’ll make it through, as always. It is time to get organized, and become more active…a time to keep up with pace..!!!

Time Changes All…!!!

I hate when things don't get done on time, but these couple of days, I've barely managed to complete any task on time. Every now and then I find myself sitting alone staring into nothingness. Though I’ve got lots of pending assignment that require a lot of my time, I am caught fiddling with my laptop, wasting my time on absolute nothing and without much interest too. What is wrong with me? I’m not able to concentrate on anything. Funny thing is, when I realize I’ve been distracted, I don’t remember what had distracted me or what I had been thinking about. It’s like I don’t know myself anymore…
I’m not sure what kind of a turn my life is about to take… but it certainly is taking a turn. I’m not yet able to figure out where I’m headed or if I’m going anywhere at all… should I be expecting the unexpected? One nerver knows ;) ... I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out. It’s probably just another phase in life… and like every other, this will pass too. It’s like they say… time changes all, and who knows it better than me…!!!

Reflecting Emotions…!!!

Many a times we have come here… it’s like we go in circles, round and round… only to end up in the same spot just where we started. These endeavors could go on forever, if you keep ignoring the reality. How long can you hide from yourself? How far can you run from your fears? It’s about time you stopped to appreciate the mystery behind our affections. What will it take for you to realize that it’s not me; it’s YOU… for my feelings for you are a reflection of what you feel for me…!!!

Who am I to you…???

Down by the beach, sitting on a rock… I wonder why I’m here. Small waves teasing the shore, sweet breeze swaying my hair… I wish you were here. It’s been 15 months and 8 days… a long wait indeed. Yet the same questions still turns in my head, unanswered. Here I wait for you… still for an answer. The past many months, I’ve missed being held, missed romance, missed being loved. But these few months I’ve only missed you… just you!! They say we love from our mind and soul… then why does it hurt, where there is the heart. I wish you were here now, to free me from this pain… just answer me one question… Who am I to you???

A Secret Admirer...?

A walk home from work,

I feel a gaze too strong to bear…
When turned around, there’s none to stare…

Who could it be?
Sweet messages on my phone, every minute of day,

to make me smile…
I check the number, it’s anonymous…

Who could it be?
And then… A dozen roses and a box of chocolate

in the basket of my bike…
with a note signed “SA". I wonder...

A Secret Admirer...?

Friends with benefits…???

In case you’re not familiar with the term, let me explain… it is an arrangement where a man and a woman behave like friends and have the benefits of physical intimacy. An arrangement for instant enjoyment without emotional attachments… probably an invention of a man in his utter selfishness!!!
I don’t understand why any woman would want to fall into such an arrangement, because the way I see it, there is nothing beneficial with intimacy without emotions or an undefined relationship. When a man says "Let’s be friends with benefits," what he's really saying is: "I'm selfish. I like having sex with you, but I don't care enough about you as a person or respect you enough to be your boyfriend." Just how mean is that? It's nothing more than a creative way of saying that he wants to keep his options open in case someone better comes along, isn’t it?
So why give importance to such a guy anyway, when you know you are far too fabulous to be some guys’ second choice eh? After all, everyone deserves to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship…!!!

The heart sees what’s invisible to the eye…!!!

It’s nothing like how I expected, nor had I ever wanted to feel this way. After all the arrogant ignorance and confrontations I’m still not able to let go. Every time I tried, my heart would reason out with me with so many excuses for him. Why? He is nothing close to my portrait of desires and he has nothing worldly to offer me or me to him. Yet my heart seeks refuge in his affection. Why so…? Question is… should I let my heart rule over my mind and make myself vulnerable to emotions? For the heart sees what’s invisible to the eye…!!!

An experience with tow-yard…!!!

This morning, the very first day of July scared the shit out of me, when I saw that my bike was missing from where I had parked it. The first thing that came to my mind was… “Oh no… not another month of bad luck and deficit, oh please no… not after such a tight and busy June!”
But thank God my luck hadn’t faded away, and thanks to my very dear friends, minutes after I had SMS to all of my friends, I received calls that it was at taw-yard. “ Ah! Why didn’t I think of that instead of panicking… hehe.” My friends have always warned me about my very bad habit of parking outside the zone. No wonder they were so quick at tracing it. Well… now I’ve learned my lesson :) … the taw-yard is not a place I want to visit again. They sure know how to make life difficult for you when you disobey the law.
First I had to wait in a queue of two people for 20 minutes just to show my documents, then another 30 minutes for the lady at the desk to fill out a form for me (thanks to their snail speed computer). After all that time she tells me that I have to go to Inland Revenue to make the payment… (sweetness :D). And then back again to wait in a queue for almost an hour to receive permission to collect the bike.
A whole day wasted over a silly misact. Now who would want another chance to go through those procedures again? Definitely not me… Tow-yard knows how to serve their purpose…!!!

I have hopes for a better June…!!!

This May dawned on me with a viral flue, a plague that kept me and my kids in the hospital for 15 days. The continuous examinations and medical charges drained away all my savings. And just when I thought it was all over, my phone gets stolen… cutting me off from all my contacts, friends and colleagues, at a time when my exams and assignments are due a week over my head. What else could go wrong??? At times like this, the one thing that gives me strength is the wise words of a true friend, “God will not test you on anything you can’t handle, have FAITH…!” Indeed, it is faith that keeps me going. Surely there is a heap after every fall and I have faith that God has something wonderful in store for me over the heap and I’m willing to work my way out of this plunk. This May, may not be my month, but I have hopes for a better June…!!!

Where have all the good guys gone…?

Feel so heavy inside… want to burst out, but cant. It’s been a long time since I burst out openly, or dumped my garbage onto someone. Tonight I feel like doing just that. But who to chose victim, who should I call? I’m never good at pouring myself out, need someone with patience and tactful enough to dig me out. But where to find such a friend? Where have all the good guys gone?

Yes, I long for you now…!!!

I wish they’d stop bothering me for now and let me just lie down here. Let me forget today to wakeup tomorrow. My eyes feel so heavy… like I was stoned, can’t even feel my fingers taping on the keyboard. It’s as if my mind has lost connection with the rest of my body. I know I have ignored you for a long time. But I’m here now, I wish you’d come to me now. Hold me close, take me in the clouds. Engulf me in your sweetness … make me vanish from existence. Yes, I long for you now…my angel of sleep!!!

Let me do my laundry in my own time…!!!

I am disappointed tonight. I don’t like it when people do things for me… things that I’d rather do myself. Yes, I do neglect my personal chores at times, but only with reasonable cause. Its not that I don’t want to do them, but their time is still to come in my schedule. I’m a fulltime mom, a fulltime employee and a fulltime student, and if not for my well managed schedule, none of these roles could have flourished the way they have in the past two years. I do keep a time and space for each and every task at hand, especially when it comes to my kids. I may not be a perfect mother, but I certainly do everything I can for them. The time I spare for them, doing their chores, are the times most valuable to me. And I don’t like it when someone steals those moments from me. So please… let me do my laundry in my own time…!!!

When temptation strikes, run away … don't lose the fight to the devil!!!

All temptation is linked to what you think on. It is important to control your thoughts, in order to control temptation. This is a simple but profound truth. It’s the reason most people fall into temptation. Think on the wrong things long enough, and sooner or later you will fall into sin when tempted.

Knowing your true identity and to be able to identify right from wrong, is one of the greatest defenses you can possibly have against temptation. When you were a kid, how many times were you dared to do something stupid? The real issue wasn’t whether or not you could do it but whether you were “afraid” to do it. And sad to say, many of us took the dare and did something that hurt us or shamed us just to prove that we weren’t. All we really succeeded in proving was that we feared their disapproval so much that we were willing to do the Wrong. The truly fearless response would have been to walk away; secure in who we were, earning their respect through character rather than performance.

Which reminds me of the story of Yusuf (the Prophet) and of the time he experienced temptation when he was approached by Potiphar's wife. She was up for it (by 'it' I mean sex) and was willing to do anything to get it! But being a man, Yusuf would have found it very difficult to say 'no' to Potiphar's wife. So what did he do? He ran away. He didn't put his moral strengths to the test, nor did he waste time trying to politely work his way through a very sticky situation...he just got out of there as fast as his legs could carry him and ultimately, he did the right thing.

It’s also important to understand that all temptation is rooted in selfishness. Every single temptation is packaged in the form of lust or the pride of life. Selfishness is always the favorite playground of the devil, and when selfishness rules in our lives, we open the door to the devils’ deceptive schemes.

So my friends, when temptation strikes your way; just turn around and walk away, get your self involved in something else, meditate if you have to... but don't loose the fight to the devil. Best practice is to pray and ask for guidance and God will meet your needs…!!!

Insha-Allah… I will find myself there someday!!!

I am going through a difficult time these days. An unexpected and frightful condition… I can’t explain it… I can’t describe it. If it is what I think it is… I know I have to be brave and accept it as a bitter fact and deal with the side effects with an open mind. Problem is… it would mean to kiss goodbye to some of my dreams… ones I had so much hoped for. And as scared as I am, I know it’s a phase every woman has to go through at a certain point in her life. For me… seems like it’s a bit early. But I am a believer and I do have a lot of faith. I have always believed that God has a beautiful life in store for me. Insha-Allah… I will find myself there someday!!!

I don’t hate anyone anymore!!!

Hatred and anger are feelings I have compromised with a long time ago. Instead I feel sorry for those who have turned on me. No use in blaming, for it is in our nature to be greedy and make mistakes; after all… we are human. A man can hold a gem in his palm and not realize its worth… until he has lost it. Pity, they know not of their loss. Today I forgive you all… friends, family and everyone… for I strongly believe that it is our unlimited power to care and to love that can make the biggest difference in the quality of our life. No…I don’t hate anyone anymore!!!

It’s been a hectic week, so let me catch my breath!!!

I barely had any time for myself these past couple of weeks. Assignments and tutorials from college, newly outlined projects at work, and on top of it all I had to get involved in my boys’ interclass football tournament.
My younger sons’ class didn’t have a coach, so I had to play the part… hehehe (not that I know any of the rules *kekek*). But none the less, we made it to the 2nd runner-ups and won; so it was a huge achievement. Both my boys scored in their final matches and were selected among the best ten players in their grades. I was indeed the proudest parent that day!!!
Now that the school holidays have started I hope to get back to my work and studies. But before that let me catch my breath and get some rest (…plenty of it!!). After all, it’s been a hectic week… :D!!!

An irresistibly precious temptation…!!!

It was more like an exciting ride through a dark tunnel without a single light of hope for an open road. The only thing that mattered was the sense of each others presence… hot, sweaty and smelly, the barely whispered words and moans guiding the way. What made it all so special and worth the time and effort was the feeling of mutual trust of loyalty; to know that it’s just “U and ME”… alone, enjoying each others company with no further expectations… an irresistibly precious temptation…!!!

And so the journey continues…!!!

Same old questions, same comments and critics… only a matter of opinion for which I don’t really care. I know I’m right and so thinks everyone who know me… my family and friends. I have no regrets whatsoever; no will I ever turn back, for the decision was my own. I am indeed thankful to God for giving me the strength to walk this road… and with nothing more than the two most precious possessions in my life… my kids! The road however had not been easy, but thanks to my very supportive family, I was able to confront the challenges and win my way through… I am indeed grateful.
Now, after seven long years of endless obstacles, battles and sacrifices… I am finally content with my life.
But the journey does not end here, no it doesn’t. There are still many mountains to climb, hearts to concur… for I certainly don’t want to grow old alone. I also wish for more siblings… perhaps a sister for my boys (now there’s a thought *smile*).
And so the journey continues… with a strong heart, an open mind and a smiling face…!!!

Valentine…!!!

A dozen roses, chocolates and cakes with candles and heart-shaped balloons… everywhere you go you feel that love is in the air. A day to revive the bond with the one you love… a time to show your affection and appreciation for that most precious person in your life…

I like to spend Valentine with the one companion I feel most comfortable with…”ME”. It’s principle not to share Valentine with anyone you don’t feel the “true sparks” with!!! No offence dear but you and I both know our sparks are limited ;)…!!!

Should I let the fantasy remain a “Fantasy”?

Living in an extended family, I see my brothers and sisters with their husbands and wives, how they find time for each other, share dreams together, care for each other, their love for each other, making plans for the future, their children and ones to come. The idea of a happily married life has always been a fantasy. Yes, I was married once, but it wasn’t at all how I expected it to be. I thank God everyday for giving me the strength to walk out of it… while still alive.

Playing single working mom for two wonderful boys is nothing close to a dream life… but it definitely is a happy one. My boys have a way of making me feel like the best mom in the world… A Super Mom!!! Indeed, the three of us make one very happy family; there just seem no place for another.

One thing is for certain, I just love being the boss of my life where I get to have my way with everything *smile* and it will move a mountain to make me want to share this life with anyone. So the question is, should I give up this fabulously carefree life for the hope of a fantasy come true or do I let the fantasy; to live a happily married life, remain a fantasy???

I’ll miss you every step on the way…!!!

Restraining me from deep emotions is an art I had developed with experience and pride. With you, putting my guards down was easy, for I was certain I could never fall for you and with several reasons too and there’s several more why you could never fall for me. But I guess nature has its own way of turning the tables and flipping the cards with all the wrong signals for us to play the victim idol. Alas… I have fallen, knowing all too well that it’s just me and my feelings alone; you have no part in it. I’m sorry for spoiling our friendship, I had no intension. So it’s best, my friend, that I walked away before my emotions grew any stronger. I know… I’ll miss you every step on the way…!!! Take care!!

Am I ready to give up my singleton?

I have always enjoyed hanging out with friends… teasing and cracking jokes over coffee tables all through the nights is the best part of being single. Then why this uneasiness tonight… sort of a guilty feeling. Why this urge… like I want to call someone and say, “honey, I’m out with some friends… call you when I get home… love ya!!” Am I missing something? I know for sure I’m not in love. The feel has been bothering me a couple of days now. Whenever I’m happy, sad or down… I get this feeling, to share it with someone… someone to bond with. Am I missing a relationship? Do I really want to start over? I’m I ready to give up my singleton? So many questions, only I can answer. I need to consult my inner self…soon… before this feeling eats on me!!

Back in routine… and loving it!!!

It’s good to be back in routine after a long vacation. Holidays are finally over and I’m back with the love of my life… my WORK. Got a lot to catch up on, which means I’ll be working my a** off all this week. aahhh... I’ve missed it sooo much!!!