precious-wildcat

I wont give it up for the world...!!!

2011-11-24T14:21:00.004-07:00

Someone once told me that, no man in his rightful mind would want to commit to a mother of two kids... After nine years I realize how true those words are...

I'm a mother of two wonderful boys and that is a fact that is never going to change. Being a mother is what has made me the woman I am today and I am proud of the person I have become; responsible, energetic, caring, loving and more mature, and if men don't realize the beauty in it... I'd say, "to hell with them".

Being a single mom is tough, but I wont give it up for the world...!!!

No dirty socks to wash...!!!

2011-09-23T09:47:00.002-07:00

Feeling very low and emotionally stressed. 48 hours and my phone hasn’t rung even once… makes you realize just how alone you are. Can’t help to wonder how my life is destined to be. Am I to grow old alone? Even the very thought gives me the shivers. I don’t want to be alone. There was a time when I was happy with my singleton and independence… but I never expected it to go on for so long. I’ve always wanted to share my life with someone special, to be with someone I can share my thoughts and feelings, to care for and be loved in return. I want to wake up in the mornings beside him, share breakfast … sneak in to his office in the afternoons just to steal a kiss… walk hand in hand in the evenings… and make love every night. Am I never to live such moments? Oh well... It has its advantages too... I don't have to wash his dirty socks... (grin)...!!!

I believe in yesterday…!!!

2011-07-17T03:48:00.001-07:00

Hate… is an emotion I’ve learnt to reason with… or so I thought.

A couple of missed calls and threatening messages have brought all the anger and distress that I had buried away for so long to surface with no control or reasoning. Ten years of hatred is about to explode and the cause of it all is flashing in on me like a horror movie played in slow motion. Will I have the strength to control myself and reason with the present? Will I be able to forgive and forget? How do you forgive someone who doesn’t ask for forgiveness, instead threatens to cause you trouble? Should I still try to reason, or fight back? Either ways, I risk my babies to be dragged into circumstances I had worked so hard to avoid.

What comes to mind is part of the song “Yesterday” by Beatles

Yesterday,

All my troubles seemed so far away,

Now it looks as though they're here to stay,

Oh, I believe in yesterday.

My words from quotes of an Icon...!!!

2011-06-26T03:16:00.008-07:00

My platonic friend...!!!

2011-05-13T11:33:00.001-07:00

A friend in need is a friend indeed. A saying we are all familiar with, but it is with you I understood the true meaning of “friend” and “friendship”. You’ve always been there when I needed someone to talk to, go out with for coffee, shopping, rides.. etc. Now that you’re gone it feels kinda empty and lonely, especially on weekends. I miss you so much… my platonic friend…!!!

Sleeping like a baby...!!!

2011-05-13T10:02:00.005-07:00

At first 2011 started out with a broken heart and a lot of emotional stress but then things turned around once the academic year started. Now I have a permanent job which is very exciting and keeping me on toes all day. With an occupying job, loving family and adoring kids, life is pretty much back to normal. I’ve also found a new recreation for my spare time, which is exhausting and entertaining at the same time. I can finally sleep like a baby in the nights…!!!

I'm back...!!!

2011-05-13T09:38:00.001-07:00

Hey blog… I know I haven’t been here much lately. Its just that not much in my life has inspired me enough to come your way. But here I am again and I think am going to be here more often from now on… I’ve missed you lots, and I know you have missed me too ;) It’s good to be back…!!!

Cursed to be Single for the rest of my life…?

2010-10-19T21:10:00.002-07:00

24/7 of the week I am surrounded by tiny wee smiles in cute fittings with their nonstop demands for attention and cuddles. Oh their so adorable… I can’t help wishing for one of my own again. My boys love their wee cousins, its’ just overwhelming to watch them play big brother. I wonder how they’d feel about a baby brother or sister of their own… I bet they’d love it.

It’s true that I want to have another baby. Motherhood is such a wonderful feeling… its fascinating how the hormonal changes bring out a woman’s most hidden beauty to perfection. But I’m not sure if I’m willing to give up my single lifestyle. The thought of sharing my life with someone again gives me the creeps.

In all the years of my singleton I haven’t met any man worthy of my affection, enough to consider marriage. For me, it’s important to feel that I belong to him before I make a commitment. But none’s been able to trigger that in me yet. I know men find me attractive and it’s easy for them to fall in love with me… but for me it’s just not happening.

Am I never to fall in love? Is it a curse? Am I cursed to be single for the rest of my life…?

its time I changed my sheets...!!!

2010-08-12T13:40:00.002-07:00

Its been a while since I've had the hearts for a change... familiarity has been most important. But ofcourse unless you try out new things, you miss out on the experiences. Yeah... maybe it is time for me to try out new things, make new friends, explore new environments. I shall start from whats most closest to me... its time to say good bye to the old sheets and start enjoying the new ones...!!!

My favorite song all of a sudden...!!!

2010-05-17T10:56:00.002-07:00

aadhumee musaafiru hey

aathaahey jaathaahey...

aathey jaathey rastheymey... yaadhey

choalhu jaathaahey....

My favorite song all of a sudden (smile..!!)... the hard truth, one should learn to accept and live with...!!!

ME again...!!!

2010-02-01T07:48:00.003-07:00

2010 and a month gone by... So far so good and the future seems promising. A well timed routine, with just enough time for Kids and Studies... and work. Aah WORK...!!! I'm just hoping these few months to pass away fast so I can start off my job permanent. I've missed it so much. hehheh ... I know, its silly to miss work, but that's me. It feels good to be ME again...!!!

Truly yours, in waiting…!!!

2009-12-21T07:22:00.003-07:00

I long for the day to end so I could be with you again, counting the day in minutes and hours, so the day could pass by and welcome another. I long to be in your arms, smell your scent lying next to me, your whispers in my ears sending ripples down my spine. Only you can take me to such heights, no wonder I feel for you day and night. If only you knew what I want, if you could read my mind you’d know… you are irresistible to me. So many days gone by, so many nights spent in emptiness. I wish to be with you forever, but I know I shouldn’t be hasty. Don’t want to scare you, don’t want to lose you. But for how long should I hold on, honey only you can tell. One of these days, I know you’d call and I’ll be here with open arms to accommodate your wishes. Truly yours, in waiting…!!!

Its like Dejavu all over…!!!

2009-12-14T10:30:00.004-07:00

I’ve been here before... this sensation, this sense of belonging, the caring gaze, the sensual touch and decades apart. Lingering in memory are the pain, the depart and depression flowing in as the truth imparts right before my eyes. “You’re mature, you should know better”, like that’s going to change one’s emotions. I feel plagued in a triangle of the same indecent proposals, fatal attractions and immature minds. Here I go again fighting to lid my emotion, its like dejavu all over…!!!

Another Academic Term ends…!!!

2009-11-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

The final presentations of the final semester students are finally over. I must say I am impressed and also inspired by most of my friends… they have all done a commendable job on their final project. I wish them all a very successful career in the field of technology and hope to see at least some of them achieve their Masters Degree in the near future.

I’ll be doing my final project next year (next sem) hopefully and I hope I’ll be able to do a competent job myself. So good luck to me and everyone else that’ll be joining me next semester…!!!

What do I like about you...???

2009-11-02T06:02:00.005-07:00

I don’t like it that you never call me. I don’t like it that you never ask me how I’m doing. I don’t like it that you never reply to my messages or return my calls. I don’t like it that you never take me out on dates. I don’t like it that you never consider my feelings. I don’t like it that you never put an effort for me. I don’t like it that you never want to listen to me. I don’t like it that you don’t try to know me more. I don’t like it, that I can’t reach you when I’m upset or to share my joy. And most of all, I don’t like your smoking…
What I do like about you… is that you dont give me anything to like you for.
Cos if you did… I’d fall in love with you…!!!

The best birthday ever...!!!

2009-10-31T13:30:00.002-07:00

This has been like the best birthday ever. I never realized my kids have grown up so much… to plan out and give me a surprise party… WOW. It was amazing how they’d kept the whole thing to themselves without spilling the beans on me… and not even a hint too until the very last minute. I’m so proud of them both and thanks to all who helped them. And then, a late night dinner from a friend made the day all too special… indeed this has been the best birthday ever…!!!

I’m just wishing for someone…!!!

2009-10-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

It’s one of those nights, when I wish I had a companion… Someone to mould me in his arm, kiss the tiredness out of me, make love to me again and again till every muscle in me is well relaxed and hold me in his arms till I fall asleep. One would think I’m missing someone, but No that’s not it. You can’t miss something you’ve never had, can you :). No… I’m not missing anyone… I’m just wishing for someone…!!!

Time has changed… and so have I…!!!

2009-10-17T08:58:00.002-07:00

Dwelling on false hope is the last thing I want to do right now. Love and affection are only words of fiction. In the real world its just lust and desire… A single mother in her thirties spells nothing more than bait; the only motive in a man’s every approach is to fulfill a selfish desire. But then again… one shouldn’t label them all as same. There may be exceptions…!! Nonetheless I have come to accept the inevitable, there is no such thing as “Mr. right” or “Prince Charming”… but I do not wish to dwell in agony of not finding love. After all life has got much to offer and I have much to offer to this world. The table has turned, things have changed, time has changed… and so have I…!!!

A time to keep up with pace..!!!

2009-10-09T01:24:00.003-07:00

Nearing the end of another semester, all the assignments and studies are piling up. This October seems hectic; an assignment is due like every other day. This semester has been different from others, with subjects that require a wide range of knowledge and practical intervention, also a considerable amount of research too. I have also made some very good friends whose knowledge on the subjects is unquestionable and practical. In the days ahead I’m going to have to spend as much time on studies as possible, and that would mean some very sleepless nights too. Never the less I’m up for the challenge and I know I’ll make it through, as always. It is time to get organized, and become more active…a time to keep up with pace..!!!

Time Changes All…!!!

2009-09-18T12:07:00.004-07:00

I hate when things don't get done on time, but these couple of days, I've barely managed to complete any task on time. Every now and then I find myself sitting alone staring into nothingness. Though I’ve got lots of pending assignment that require a lot of my time, I am caught fiddling with my laptop, wasting my time on absolute nothing and without much interest too. What is wrong with me? I’m not able to concentrate on anything. Funny thing is, when I realize I’ve been distracted, I don’t remember what had distracted me or what I had been thinking about. It’s like I don’t know myself anymore…
I’m not sure what kind of a turn my life is about to take… but it certainly is taking a turn. I’m not yet able to figure out where I’m headed or if I’m going anywhere at all… should I be expecting the unexpected? One nerver knows ;) ... I guess I’ll just have to wait and find out. It’s probably just another phase in life… and like every other, this will pass too. It’s like they say… time changes all, and who knows it better than me…!!!

Reflecting Emotions…!!!

2009-09-02T10:43:00.004-07:00

Many a times we have come here… it’s like we go in circles, round and round… only to end up in the same spot just where we started. These endeavors could go on forever, if you keep ignoring the reality. How long can you hide from yourself? How far can you run from your fears? It’s about time you stopped to appreciate the mystery behind our affections. What will it take for you to realize that it’s not me; it’s YOU… for my feelings for you are a reflection of what you feel for me…!!!

Who am I to you…???

2009-08-23T17:48:00.003-07:00

Down by the beach, sitting on a rock… I wonder why I’m here. Small waves teasing the shore, sweet breeze swaying my hair… I wish you were here. It’s been 15 months and 8 days… a long wait indeed. Yet the same questions still turns in my head, unanswered. Here I wait for you… still for an answer. The past many months, I’ve missed being held, missed romance, missed being loved. But these few months I’ve only missed you… just you!! They say we love from our mind and soul… then why does it hurt, where there is the heart. I wish you were here now, to free me from this pain… just answer me one question… Who am I to you???

A Secret Admirer...?

2009-08-12T02:31:00.008-07:00

A walk home from work,

I feel a gaze too strong to bear…
When turned around, there’s none to stare…

Who could it be?
Sweet messages on my phone, every minute of day,

to make me smile…
I check the number, it’s anonymous…

Who could it be?
And then… A dozen roses and a box of chocolate

in the basket of my bike…
with a note signed “SA". I wonder...

A Secret Admirer...?

Friends with benefits…???

2009-07-23T13:24:00.002-07:00

In case you’re not familiar with the term, let me explain… it is an arrangement where a man and a woman behave like friends and have the benefits of physical intimacy. An arrangement for instant enjoyment without emotional attachments… probably an invention of a man in his utter selfishness!!!
I don’t understand why any woman would want to fall into such an arrangement, because the way I see it, there is nothing beneficial with intimacy without emotions or an undefined relationship. When a man says "Let’s be friends with benefits," what he's really saying is: "I'm selfish. I like having sex with you, but I don't care enough about you as a person or respect you enough to be your boyfriend." Just how mean is that? It's nothing more than a creative way of saying that he wants to keep his options open in case someone better comes along, isn’t it?
So why give importance to such a guy anyway, when you know you are far too fabulous to be some guys’ second choice eh? After all, everyone deserves to have a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship…!!!

The heart sees what’s invisible to the eye…!!!

2009-07-09T14:32:00.001-07:00

It’s nothing like how I expected, nor had I ever wanted to feel this way. After all the arrogant ignorance and confrontations I’m still not able to let go. Every time I tried, my heart would reason out with me with so many excuses for him. Why? He is nothing close to my portrait of desires and he has nothing worldly to offer me or me to him. Yet my heart seeks refuge in his affection. Why so…? Question is… should I let my heart rule over my mind and make myself vulnerable to emotions? For the heart sees what’s invisible to the eye…!!!

An experience with tow-yard…!!!

2009-07-01T13:09:00.003-07:00

This morning, the very first day of July scared the shit out of me, when I saw that my bike was missing from where I had parked it. The first thing that came to my mind was… “Oh no… not another month of bad luck and deficit, oh please no… not after such a tight and busy June!”
But thank God my luck hadn’t faded away, and thanks to my very dear friends, minutes after I had SMS to all of my friends, I received calls that it was at taw-yard. “ Ah! Why didn’t I think of that instead of panicking… hehe.” My friends have always warned me about my very bad habit of parking outside the zone. No wonder they were so quick at tracing it. Well… now I’ve learned my lesson :) … the taw-yard is not a place I want to visit again. They sure know how to make life difficult for you when you disobey the law.
First I had to wait in a queue of two people for 20 minutes just to show my documents, then another 30 minutes for the lady at the desk to fill out a form for me (thanks to their snail speed computer). After all that time she tells me that I have to go to Inland Revenue to make the payment… (sweetness :D). And then back again to wait in a queue for almost an hour to receive permission to collect the bike.
A whole day wasted over a silly misact. Now who would want another chance to go through those procedures again? Definitely not me… Tow-yard knows how to serve their purpose…!!!

I have hopes for a better June…!!!

2009-05-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

This May dawned on me with a viral flue, a plague that kept me and my kids in the hospital for 15 days. The continuous examinations and medical charges drained away all my savings. And just when I thought it was all over, my phone gets stolen… cutting me off from all my contacts, friends and colleagues, at a time when my exams and assignments are due a week over my head. What else could go wrong??? At times like this, the one thing that gives me strength is the wise words of a true friend, “God will not test you on anything you can’t handle, have FAITH…!” Indeed, it is faith that keeps me going. Surely there is a heap after every fall and I have faith that God has something wonderful in store for me over the heap and I’m willing to work my way out of this plunk. This May, may not be my month, but I have hopes for a better June…!!!

Where have all the good guys gone…?

2009-04-22T12:40:00.000-07:00

Feel so heavy inside… want to burst out, but cant. It’s been a long time since I burst out openly, or dumped my garbage onto someone. Tonight I feel like doing just that. But who to chose victim, who should I call? I’m never good at pouring myself out, need someone with patience and tactful enough to dig me out. But where to find such a friend? Where have all the good guys gone?

Yes, I long for you now…!!!

2009-04-16T09:24:00.001-07:00

I wish they’d stop bothering me for now and let me just lie down here. Let me forget today to wakeup tomorrow. My eyes feel so heavy… like I was stoned, can’t even feel my fingers taping on the keyboard. It’s as if my mind has lost connection with the rest of my body. I know I have ignored you for a long time. But I’m here now, I wish you’d come to me now. Hold me close, take me in the clouds. Engulf me in your sweetness … make me vanish from existence. Yes, I long for you now…my angel of sleep!!!

Let me do my laundry in my own time…!!!

2009-04-13T12:06:00.002-07:00

I am disappointed tonight. I don’t like it when people do things for me… things that I’d rather do myself. Yes, I do neglect my personal chores at times, but only with reasonable cause. Its not that I don’t want to do them, but their time is still to come in my schedule. I’m a fulltime mom, a fulltime employee and a fulltime student, and if not for my well managed schedule, none of these roles could have flourished the way they have in the past two years. I do keep a time and space for each and every task at hand, especially when it comes to my kids. I may not be a perfect mother, but I certainly do everything I can for them. The time I spare for them, doing their chores, are the times most valuable to me. And I don’t like it when someone steals those moments from me. So please… let me do my laundry in my own time…!!!

When temptation strikes, run away … don't lose the fight to the devil!!!

2009-04-12T00:00:00.007-07:00

All temptation is linked to what you think on. It is important to control your thoughts, in order to control temptation. This is a simple but profound truth. It’s the reason most people fall into temptation. Think on the wrong things long enough, and sooner or later you will fall into sin when tempted.

Knowing your true identity and to be able to identify right from wrong, is one of the greatest defenses you can possibly have against temptation. When you were a kid, how many times were you dared to do something stupid? The real issue wasn’t whether or not you could do it but whether you were “afraid” to do it. And sad to say, many of us took the dare and did something that hurt us or shamed us just to prove that we weren’t. All we really succeeded in proving was that we feared their disapproval so much that we were willing to do the Wrong. The truly fearless response would have been to walk away; secure in who we were, earning their respect through character rather than performance.

Which reminds me of the story of Yusuf (the Prophet) and of the time he experienced temptation when he was approached by Potiphar's wife. She was up for it (by 'it' I mean sex) and was willing to do anything to get it! But being a man, Yusuf would have found it very difficult to say 'no' to Potiphar's wife. So what did he do? He ran away. He didn't put his moral strengths to the test, nor did he waste time trying to politely work his way through a very sticky situation...he just got out of there as fast as his legs could carry him and ultimately, he did the right thing.

It’s also important to understand that all temptation is rooted in selfishness. Every single temptation is packaged in the form of lust or the pride of life. Selfishness is always the favorite playground of the devil, and when selfishness rules in our lives, we open the door to the devils’ deceptive schemes.

So my friends, when temptation strikes your way; just turn around and walk away, get your self involved in something else, meditate if you have to... but don't loose the fight to the devil. Best practice is to pray and ask for guidance and God will meet your needs…!!!

Insha-Allah… I will find myself there someday!!!

2009-04-02T02:01:00.001-07:00

I am going through a difficult time these days. An unexpected and frightful condition… I can’t explain it… I can’t describe it. If it is what I think it is… I know I have to be brave and accept it as a bitter fact and deal with the side effects with an open mind. Problem is… it would mean to kiss goodbye to some of my dreams… ones I had so much hoped for. And as scared as I am, I know it’s a phase every woman has to go through at a certain point in her life. For me… seems like it’s a bit early. But I am a believer and I do have a lot of faith. I have always believed that God has a beautiful life in store for me. Insha-Allah… I will find myself there someday!!!

I don’t hate anyone anymore!!!

2009-03-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

Hatred and anger are feelings I have compromised with a long time ago. Instead I feel sorry for those who have turned on me. No use in blaming, for it is in our nature to be greedy and make mistakes; after all… we are human. A man can hold a gem in his palm and not realize its worth… until he has lost it. Pity, they know not of their loss. Today I forgive you all… friends, family and everyone… for I strongly believe that it is our unlimited power to care and to love that can make the biggest difference in the quality of our life. No…I don’t hate anyone anymore!!!

It’s been a hectic week, so let me catch my breath!!!

2009-03-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

I barely had any time for myself these past couple of weeks. Assignments and tutorials from college, newly outlined projects at work, and on top of it all I had to get involved in my boys’ interclass football tournament.
My younger sons’ class didn’t have a coach, so I had to play the part… hehehe (not that I know any of the rules *kekek*). But none the less, we made it to the 2nd runner-ups and won; so it was a huge achievement. Both my boys scored in their final matches and were selected among the best ten players in their grades. I was indeed the proudest parent that day!!!
Now that the school holidays have started I hope to get back to my work and studies. But before that let me catch my breath and get some rest (…plenty of it!!). After all, it’s been a hectic week… :D!!!

An irresistibly precious temptation…!!!

2009-03-05T01:39:00.004-07:00

It was more like an exciting ride through a dark tunnel without a single light of hope for an open road. The only thing that mattered was the sense of each others presence… hot, sweaty and smelly, the barely whispered words and moans guiding the way. What made it all so special and worth the time and effort was the feeling of mutual trust of loyalty; to know that it’s just “U and ME”… alone, enjoying each others company with no further expectations… an irresistibly precious temptation…!!!

And so the journey continues…!!!

2009-03-02T03:41:00.000-07:00

Same old questions, same comments and critics… only a matter of opinion for which I don’t really care. I know I’m right and so thinks everyone who know me… my family and friends. I have no regrets whatsoever; no will I ever turn back, for the decision was my own. I am indeed thankful to God for giving me the strength to walk this road… and with nothing more than the two most precious possessions in my life… my kids! The road however had not been easy, but thanks to my very supportive family, I was able to confront the challenges and win my way through… I am indeed grateful.
Now, after seven long years of endless obstacles, battles and sacrifices… I am finally content with my life.
But the journey does not end here, no it doesn’t. There are still many mountains to climb, hearts to concur… for I certainly don’t want to grow old alone. I also wish for more siblings… perhaps a sister for my boys (now there’s a thought *smile*).
And so the journey continues… with a strong heart, an open mind and a smiling face…!!!

Valentine…!!!

2009-02-14T21:54:00.004-07:00

A dozen roses, chocolates and cakes with candles and heart-shaped balloons… everywhere you go you feel that love is in the air. A day to revive the bond with the one you love… a time to show your affection and appreciation for that most precious person in your life…

I like to spend Valentine with the one companion I feel most comfortable with…”ME”. It’s principle not to share Valentine with anyone you don’t feel the “true sparks” with!!! No offence dear but you and I both know our sparks are limited ;)…!!!

Should I let the fantasy remain a “Fantasy”?

2009-01-25T23:27:00.005-07:00

Living in an extended family, I see my brothers and sisters with their husbands and wives, how they find time for each other, share dreams together, care for each other, their love for each other, making plans for the future, their children and ones to come. The idea of a happily married life has always been a fantasy. Yes, I was married once, but it wasn’t at all how I expected it to be. I thank God everyday for giving me the strength to walk out of it… while still alive.

Playing single working mom for two wonderful boys is nothing close to a dream life… but it definitely is a happy one. My boys have a way of making me feel like the best mom in the world… A Super Mom!!! Indeed, the three of us make one very happy family; there just seem no place for another.

One thing is for certain, I just love being the boss of my life where I get to have my way with everything *smile* and it will move a mountain to make me want to share this life with anyone. So the question is, should I give up this fabulously carefree life for the hope of a fantasy come true or do I let the fantasy; to live a happily married life, remain a fantasy???

I’ll miss you every step on the way…!!!

2009-01-21T21:46:00.003-07:00

Restraining me from deep emotions is an art I had developed with experience and pride. With you, putting my guards down was easy, for I was certain I could never fall for you and with several reasons too and there’s several more why you could never fall for me. But I guess nature has its own way of turning the tables and flipping the cards with all the wrong signals for us to play the victim idol. Alas… I have fallen, knowing all too well that it’s just me and my feelings alone; you have no part in it. I’m sorry for spoiling our friendship, I had no intension. So it’s best, my friend, that I walked away before my emotions grew any stronger. I know… I’ll miss you every step on the way…!!! Take care!!

Am I ready to give up my singleton?

2009-01-13T04:20:00.001-07:00

I have always enjoyed hanging out with friends… teasing and cracking jokes over coffee tables all through the nights is the best part of being single. Then why this uneasiness tonight… sort of a guilty feeling. Why this urge… like I want to call someone and say, “honey, I’m out with some friends… call you when I get home… love ya!!” Am I missing something? I know for sure I’m not in love. The feel has been bothering me a couple of days now. Whenever I’m happy, sad or down… I get this feeling, to share it with someone… someone to bond with. Am I missing a relationship? Do I really want to start over? I’m I ready to give up my singleton? So many questions, only I can answer. I need to consult my inner self…soon… before this feeling eats on me!!

Back in routine… and loving it!!!

2009-01-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

It’s good to be back in routine after a long vacation. Holidays are finally over and I’m back with the love of my life… my WORK. Got a lot to catch up on, which means I’ll be working my a** off all this week. aahhh... I’ve missed it sooo much!!!

Let me enjoy my singleton!!

2008-12-16T23:49:00.000-07:00

To be alone was my choice… So why does everyone want me to find a companion? How many times do I have to tell you people, “I am not lonely… and I do DATE!!!”? I don’t see any reason why I should make my dating public. I don’t bring my Dates home b’cos I can’t have my parents dreaming wedding bells on false alarm or be showered with questions from all four corners… (Please!!! Spare me!!)

So why am I still single?
Obviously because I haven’t met anyone worthy of boyfriend material!!

Am I the only single mom in the world? If I am to find a companion, why should I settle for anything less, when I know I deserve the best? I like to believe that my Prince Charming is out there somewhere, and he will find me someday! Until then… let me enjoy my singleton!!

Time to start investing on myself

2008-12-04T03:16:00.000-07:00

My mind seems to be blank, feeling drowsy and heavy headed… but that is just a mere description of how I exactly feel. These are the times when I’m reminded of Spongebob Squarepants; how he orders his brain cell workers to go through all his knowledge drawers and schedule lists in order to carryout the tasks. I wish I could do the same. But I know my brain cells are over worked cos they haven’t rested for three nights in a row. Every bone, every tissue in my body seems so stiff and immobile. What am I doing? Why am I keeping myself so busy? Why can’t I be like everyone else; relax, sleep, enjoy the holidays… instead of chasing after work and pressure! If this is to continue I might drop down dead at my pc one day and no one would notice. The more I think abut it the more it freaks me out… I think it’s time I changed my altitude and start investing on myself; an appointment with a masseuse sounds like a great idea… what do you think?

Commitment

2008-11-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

I’m happy with my life as it is, b’cos I truly believe that a strong sense of self-esteem is the key to lifelong happiness and fulfillment. The most important commitment one can make to ones life is to love, honor and cherish ones’ self. Said all that… even though I enjoy having my own fabulously carefree life, I do want to share it with someone special.
To me, a commitment doesn’t necessarily have to be a legal paperwork, in other words “marriage”. It could be a mutual agreement between two people to date each other exclusively, OR simply living together to fulfill mutual desires with respect and loyalty to each other.
The need to legalize a relationship is necessary only when the hormones are in tune to form a whole new entity and that is when we say we are ready to start a family. Until then, as long as there is love, honesty and harmony in a relationship… it’s good enough a commitment.

Don’t try to be my lover… just be my friend!!

2008-11-24T02:09:00.000-07:00

Do not judge me on false impulse. How well do you think you know me? Have I ever shared the account of my past with you? Have I ever told you anything about me that I wouldn’t tell any of my other friends? Have I ever poured my sobs on you? What makes you think I have feelings for you? More importantly… do YOU have feelings for me?

I’m a caring person by nature… I care about you not because it’s you, but because it’s me. I try to keep our friendship alive, not because I cannot bear to loose you, but because I don’t want to loose a friend. I don’t believe in “Friends with benefits”, and intimacy without affection is not my kind of thing. I can’t pretend something I don’t feel. Why should I date emotionally unavailable, jerks who don’t value me in the least, or settle for anything less than ALL that my heart desires out of a relationship?

I believe in being happy in my own skin and not wasting time with men who don’t reciprocate. So until you can FIND your way into my precious zone, don’t try to be my lover… just be my friend!

I love the rain

2008-11-22T02:03:00.000-07:00

Every time it pours I am tempted to go out and enjoy it… feel its smooth rhythmic prick on my flesh. What I enjoy most is going for a ride in the rain… like I did yesterday. It was so much fun, riding through the puddles, water splashing from all sides, the few braves on the road shouting at our mischief… kekekek. One taxi driver even tried to race us down…hehehe. My sis and I rode for hours in the heavy rain before we stopped for a break to watch the surfing handsome hunks at sea… now that was a breath taker *wink*. What a day… hehehe. Indeed… a day loaded with fun and excitement… I just love the rain.

Bye Bye Holiday Blues

2008-11-16T02:28:00.000-07:00

I had been so freaked out by the thought of holiday boredom, but now that its here, its not so bad… In fact, it’s going to be great!! I have come to understand that nothing can be so bad when you know how to deal with it. It’s all in the mind and the ability to make things happen. You can twist and turn situations and circumstances to suit your moods and needs. Now, I have got the whole holiday period planned out… hehhe!

Yesterdays’ picnic, with my kids, their classmates and parents was indeed a blast. The exciting games and the island exploration was most fun. Being the only group on the island… we had the whole Kuda Bados to ourselves. This was the first time I took my kids out of town by myself (without a family member). To watch them have so much fun with their friends was a real treat and for the first time I realized just how well behaved my kids are… naughty and teasing, yet well mannered! What more could a single mom ask for? They’ve made me a proud mom indeed.

If all goes according to plan… which I know it will… I’m all hooked up for the next too weeks. So don’t be surprised if you don’t see me around for the next couple of days. Hope you won’t miss me too much… ;)

The Moon!

2008-11-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

The Moon has been a symbol of beauty and romance for centuries. And why not? It is the Moon that illuminates the romantic hours of the night. What fascinates me most is to watch the rising of the 16th moon… the big orange ball rising up the horizon with its reflection mirrored on the ocean. Truly an emblem of nature’s perfection. Tonight it looks extraordinarily stunning… its white perfection shines in a dark empty sky, with a large circular ring around it and not a single star anywhere near. It looks lonely though… How many nights has it shone its dazzling beauty like this? How many people have enjoyed it? How many couples has it witnessed in their intimate moments? Yet it still shines in its lonely dark sky, with not a single star for company… because that’s how it’s meant to be… stunning and alone… like me!

A wildcat on the loose!!

2008-11-10T03:49:00.000-07:00

After a long wasted two months, I’m feeling myself again… the hyper active adrenaline effect is taking on; planning out new challenges at work, teasing and irritating friends just for the fun of it, playing football with kids, hanging out with new friends, eating like a pig heheh… the urge for new excitement and wildness flows in me, wonder what could be causing this? Is it the holidays? routine workouts? or… a newly found friendship? Whatever the reason… it feels great … like a wildcat on the loose.

Goodbye

2008-11-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

I started this journey six years ago, to make a perfect family with me, myself and my kids. Some people are meant to be alone, without a companion. I consider myself lucky because I’ve got my kids. You and I have come a long way since we met. With you I have found a side of me that I didn’t realize existed… experienced things beyond my imagination. Because of you I have come to understand myself better and thus become a better person. But this is as far as we go, it is time to say goodbye and walk our different paths. But before we part, I just want to say… “Thank you, for the wonderful time and experiences you gave me… I will always cherish the moments we shared together. Goodbye!”

It takes two…

2008-10-27T03:05:00.000-07:00

It takes two to take a piece

It takes two to make a peace

It takes two to do a snap

It takes two to do a clap

It takes two to work a friendship

It takes two to work a relationship

It takes two to make a wife

It takes two to make a life

It takes two… And it goes on…

No wonder God makes it all in pairs

And its all too clear, why we should be a pair

I just wish..!!

2008-10-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

“I wish to get away on my birthday!!!”

Heheh.. WISHES… fantasies!! Some things in life still remain a fantasy. Not that I’m not happy with what I’ve got. God has been really generous on me… loving family, wonderful kids, nice job, I’d say… “THANK YOU GOD!!” But even with all that, one can’t help wishing for something “extra” once in a while, something to liven your spirit eyy…? It happens to me every year when my birthday’s near. I always wish someone would take me away to an oasis where I could just be myself and enjoy the beauty of god’s creativity. Walking along the shore, smooth waves reaching out to my feet, stars smiling down and cool breeze blowing away my wig… (oops!! spoiled fantasy..kekek). Of course I could always get away by myself, but its not the same when you’re with someone else… someone to share the moments…, spoil the moments…, go wild… and… do whatever with … ;)

Aahh!! I just wish…!!

I wonder what it all means…!

2008-10-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

I was on my way home from school, but I wasn’t wearing a uniform. A lady walked up to me with a dress, said she’s made it for me. I looked at her and thought to myself, “this has happened before”, the same lady has come to me with the same dress the previous day. I looked around me, it was the same location, the same mosque, and I remembered; a mountain was going to rise from behind the wall opposite the mosque… and there’s going to be disaster. I ran home to warn my family and get them to warn others. I ran back to the location, looked up and saw a huge moon on a blue sky. It has risen from the north, and with one swift movement went to set from the south. I was horrified…is this the end? I looked at the amused faces around me. They were all staring at the mountain that has risen from behind the wall; it was erupting ice-cream out of it, just as it was supposed to… and the children were playing ice balls with it. I started shouting, trying to warn everyone of what was to come, that the place was going to flood with high tide water. But no one took any notice; they were astounded by the ice-cream volcano. But where was he? I need to find him. I ran down a tunnel and up the stairs from where water has already started flowing in. I stumbled in to the water which was at knees high. I called out his name several times “Where are you?” Then, I heard his voice… calling out for me. I turned and saw his half bald head going down in to the water, his hand reaching out above it. He was drowning… in knees high water? My heart skipped a beat, horrified, and reached for his hand to pull him up. He grabbed my hand and lifted his head, looked me straight in the eyes and said “Serendipity” with an ironic smile, then gave up his grip and sank deep into the water. “No!”… I cried out..!!!

I lay frozen on the bed, arms reaching out, mouth in a gasp, and eyes wide open in horror. What was that all about? I don’t usually have nightmares or dreams, but when I do, they pretty much make sense… but this one’s pathetic… doesn’t make any sense at all. I wonder what it all means? ...!

Quit with the daydreams, girl !!

2008-10-16T10:55:00.000-07:00

Keeping me busy is what I do best. Although I don’t over work myself, I always find something to keep me occupied. With two projects to run back to back, the academic yearend workload of all four work stations to conclude, kids and family to attend to… I still find me lost in myself these days. Something is definitely not right… but I can’t seem to put my finger on exactly what. Maybe if I gave it more thoughts as to what it is that is keeping my mind off routine, I might be able to attend to the matter and get me back on the track. Hmmm that’s exactly what I need to do!! Speaking of which… what am I blogging this for?? I should be working not blogging!!! That’s it girl, quit with the daydreams and get back to work, pronto!!

Very Mixed Salad

2008-10-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

A mixed salad to compliment any meal

Salad
01 bud lettuce of your choice - hand shredded
01 stick celery - washed and cut in slices
01 yellow bell pepper – cut in stripes
01 red bell pepper – cut in stripes
Black pitted olives - halved
Green pitted olives - halved
01 block salad cheese – cut in cubes(optional)

Dressing
01 tsp vinegar
01 tsp virgin olive oil
01 tsp mustard sauce
Pinch of salt and white pepper

Whisk together all the ingredients of dressing till creamy. Place all salad ingredients in a bowl. Pour the dressing and toss together.

I like this salad because it colorfully decorates the dining table and is a great appetite booster anytime… enjoy!!

I don’t miss YOU… I miss our relationship!

2008-10-13T00:02:00.000-07:00

All my life, I’ve always laughed at the thought of love. I remember the endless hours spent with my friends trying to reason them out of their lost love depressions. I always teased them and made fun of them. Why? I’d never known what it was like to love someone and to lose that love… till now!! They say love is blind… now I know why. They say people come into each others' lives for a reason… now I know why.

You came into my life to make me realize true love. To make me understand what its’ like to be in love and be loved in return. With you, I realized what its like to love someone you can never keep. We both fell for each other blindly, knowing there was a decade between us that can never be crossed over. Our journey was destined towards a dead end and we both knew we will have to take our own paths at some point.

I remember the day you told me you had found your soul mate… I was happy for you, but at the same time, I felt a sharp stab in my chest… a stab so painful I didn’t even feel the tears that drooped down my cheeks. That was the most horrific feeling I’d ever felt in my life… and that was when I realized just how much you meant to me, how much I loved you and how much I needed you. But I knew it was time to be strong and let you go… you deserved better. For weeks I struggled to fight the painful clutches of lost love depression.

Now, here I am… alone… walking along an open highway… many faces come and go, I hardly remember them. And if you ask me if I still love you… I’d say yes, I still love you and wish you well. If you ask me if I’d ever let myself fall for someone else… I’d say yes, if anyone can make me feel the way you did, give me the love, attention and care you gave, I will let myself fall again. But if you ask me if I still missed you… I’d say… NO! I don’t miss YOU... I miss our relationship!

Loneliness sucks… (at times)!!

2008-10-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

OK I admit… being alone sucks (at times). And tonight I realized that by all means. I just had an upsetting confrontation with my family and needed to get away. So I got on my bike and took off…only to realize I had no where to go and no one to hang out with or even call for a get away chat. Not that I didn’t have friends… got a lot of them. But at times like this you wish for someone closer than a friend, someone to cuddle up with… someone to forget all else with...

Oh well!! I guess there’s only one way to rid off this miserable feeling… cuddle up and sleep on it with hard rock music!! So, I’m off to bed… good night guys. I’ll be fine by morning… works all the time (smile)
Cheers!

I am definitely voting for Maumoon!!

2008-10-11T00:38:00.000-07:00

Everyday I get several phone calls and messages, telling me to vote for Anni… and to that I have to say; sorry friends… I cannot vote for someone who is in this election only for his ego and to take up a personal grudge against Maumoon, and not because he wants to work for the best interest of this country. This he has publicly announced several times during this campaign. His only interest is in eliminating Maumoon, not presiding the country for its betterment.

We need a change… YES!! We definitely do!! But what better changes can we possibly expect from someone who gets played all the time by everyone around him, including his opponent? For my president, I want someone who knows how to play the game and how to play it right… and right now that someone is Maumoon, so I’m definitely voting for Maumoon!

Politics… a dirty mans game!!

2008-10-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

One thing I have come to understand is that politics is a dirty mans game. People I know in the political circle, I have seen them change from friends to foes, heard their scheming plans, witnessed their dirty games. No wonder I hate politics!!

Tomorrow we vote for the next presidential election. Personally I am not in favor of any of the candidates. One thing is for certain, whoever comes into term will definitely make a difference, and at a time like this; when we are at the brink of a new law and order, I believe a change with a known devil is better than an unknown devil… for now!! Others, well… there’s always the next term for your scheming plans!!

VERY BERRY CHEESE CAKE

2008-10-06T01:39:00.000-07:00

We all like cheesecakes don’t we???

Here’s one I tried this Ramadan. Its absolutely deeelicious!!! Actually I wanted to try it with fresh berries, but then, fresh blue berries were not available so I found this wonderful marmalade (fresh berries crushed and conserved) at Sosun Store, which complimented the recipe perfectly.

CRUST:
2 cups flour
1/2 cup caster sugar
1/2 cup (sweet) butter, softened
1 egg

1 ST LAYER:
500 g cream cheese, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup caster sugar
3 eggs, room temperature

2 ND LAYER:
2 cup sour cream
4 tablespoons caster sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla

TOPPING:
2 cups blueberry marmalade
1 cup fresh strawberry (roughly chopped)

CRUST: Combine crust ingredients. Mix well; press onto bottom of 10" baking pan. Bake in preheated 400~ for 10-15 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 350ºF.

1ST LAYER: Crumble cheese in large bowl. Add 1 tsp vanilla, 1 cup sugar and eggs; beat at high speed with electric mixer until blended and smooth, about 4 minutes. Pour over crust. Bake at 350ºF for 40 minutes until set (not completely firm). Remove from oven; cool 10 minutes.

2ND LAYER: Combine sour cream, sugar and vanilla. Spread over top of cheesecake. Bake at 350ºF for 5 minutes. Cool; spread berry topping over top. Refrigerate before serving.

TOPPING: Place blueberry marmalade in saucepan; cook lightly to make a thickened sauce, stir in chopped strawberries. Let cool; spread on cheesecake. Cool 1 hour then refrigerate.

Just wanted to share with you guys... cheers!!!

Déjà vu... Even without you!

2008-10-03T12:08:00.000-07:00

Even without you…

Walking along the sidewalk, I see us holding hands

Shopping in the malls, I see us sharing likes and dislikes

Dining out, I feel your stare across the table

Partying with friends, I see us laughing and teasing

On the balcony, I see us sharing endless stories amusing each other

Working at my desk, I see you drawing tattoos on my arm

When tired, I feel you kiss my forehead, making me relax

In the shower, I feel your arms embrace me;

Your fingers exploring every inch of me

On the beach, I see us making love, under the stars

Walking in to my room I see a cold empty bed, yet I feel so content

For this déjà vu makes me feel sublime…

Even without you!

Leave me alone!!!

2008-10-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

My life has been sabotaged by nonstop criticism of my relationship with myself. When my parents do it… I can understand. Family… I can handle, friends… I can get away with a chuckle. But what am I to do when all of ‘em come on to me at the same time?

It was my sons’ birthday party and all the family and friends were gathered. We were having a great time when all of a sudden the topic targeted towards me and my life as a single parent *hide face*. Now is that even a topic to discuss in public? I don’t think so!!!

What is so wrong with being single? I have had my share of courtship and affairs. Now, I’d rather spare my time and energy RAISING my men rather than be out FISHING for men. True, I do get lonely at times, I have my urges, my desires… but those are just feelings and they come and go, on and off, just like that… no big deal! There is no emotion that I can’t handle. I’m a big girl and I’m happy as I am. And if I wanted to get entangled again, I will… but for now, just leave me alone!!!

I will always be there…

2008-10-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

I don’t hate you, I don’t blame you…
I know you too well, to be angry with you
I know you too well, to be upset by your words
Just because you go on your own way and act less emotional
Does not mean you do not care
I know you do…

I’ve heard your sobs, I’ve heard your cheers
I have seen the child in you, the real you…
The one you hide, from rest of the world
Though our time had been short, I understood you, inside out
Indeed I do...

I know your dreams, and they are big… too big; to tag along anyone (you think)
But I believe in your dreams, I believe in you…
Cos with your skills and inspirations, no dreams can be too big
And though I may not be there to share your masterpiece
My heart will always be there…
In your quest to make your dreams a reality
Take care!!

I enjoy my work… and every minute of it!!!

2008-09-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

Today, I’m feeling content and at ease. The fruits of committed hard work and sleepless nights have finally paid off. Now I can relax and enjoy the pleasure of this awesome success. I am going to take my time in enjoying this moment of self attainment, before I start off with my next project. Yes! Another project awaits… and I am already excited about it. This time too, I’m going to give it my best… cos when it comes to work… I like to enjoy every minute of it… before, when and after..!!!

Why do guys back off just when you think things are getting serious?

2008-09-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I may not be the relationship expert, but I do have a lot of friends; male and female, who like to share their inside stories on relationships with me, and I happen to learn a lot from them.

Now, this is a question a lot of my female friends ask me. So let me tell you something that I have come to learn from a lot of my male friends. The thing about guys is that... As much as most of them really DO want a relationship with a special woman, when the opportunity actually arises to create that relationship, THEY FREAK OUT and starts to back off.

So, in such a case, I recommend that you give him the time and space he needs to figure out his own feelings while use this time yourself to figure out what you truly want and need. But the truth that we need to understand is that we can't make someone decide that they can't live without us... We can only be ourselves and hope that the guy in our life is worthy and smart enough to realize that we're totally irresistible. ;)

And if he DOESN'T come to that conclusion on his own... Well, then, why waste another second of our precious time on a doofus who can't recognize how fabulous we are anyway?!? :D

Emotions

2008-09-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Too often we underestimate the motive of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring; to emotional bounds for commitment. True, all of these have the potentials to make one think in to fall… Me? I had no such intension!! You and I have come a long way… and I don’t deny that you are dear to me. But when it comes to Emotions… you have a long ride before you can touch me there…!!

In the darkness of my loneliness

2008-09-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

Sitting here; in the lonely darkness of my room, thinking of you. I wonder if you are thinking of me too. Every now and then my thoughts keep drifting away to how it all started; from e-mail messages to chat rooms, from phone conversations to cozy couches. Time passed fast and we came close even faster. Yet after several months, the uncertainty of our relationship lingers in the air. Every time we meet, I can’t help to wonder how you feel about me, if I am of any importance to you at all. I try to tell myself that we are “just friends”, cos I know that’s how you want it to be. But then again, I never got this close to any of my friends. To me, you will always be more than a friend because what I feel for you is a lot different from what I feel for them.
But I know this feeling isn’t mutual on your part. I do understand why. I have no expectations from you and I know this isn’t to last. Sooner or later you’ll find someone else, fall in love … and walk away, and I’ll be left behind, alone in the darkness of my loneliness…AGAIN.
It’s like the curse is never to end. Am I never to find true love? Isn’t anyone out there for me, to make me feel special and precious?

Talk about disastrous timing!!

2008-08-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

My new project, the Computer Camp for primary students, is about to start in a week. My colleague responsible for preparing the activities and the lessons is sick. I have just one week to prepare all the lessons and train the extra staff for the program. The joy of my family; my brothers’ son is admitted at the hospital with dengue fever. I can’t seem to find enough time for him while his painful cry for my presence is heart breaking. The project is growing bigger by the day. So much to do in so little time, all arrangements of the project pending due to my absence… and to make things worse, my phone has been stolen (something that’s never happened to me..!!), and I have no record or memory of any of my contacts…talk about disastrous timing!!!

I’m not allergic, I’m just not ready

2008-08-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

3 years ago my friends started pointing out my allergy. My rejection to Dates and over working attitude made everyone concerned and I was labelled as “Allergic to men”. I started hearing comments like, “Girl, don’t do that to your self, start dating”, “it’s about time you gave someone a chance”.

So what if I hadn’t been in a relationship, in over 6 years? Work 24 hours round the clock? I have a family to support, for god sake. I don’t Date because I don’t have time for it and certainly not for any serious relationships. But, that doesn’t mean I’m allergic to men. That’s right; I’m not allergic to men.

Ok so I’ve had a bad experience, and because of that I had buried my emotions deep down where no one can touch. But that doesn’t mean I have no emotional feelings. I’m just waiting for the right moment and the right person to dig it up :) . I am normal just like every one of you and I too have dreams just like every other girl, to have a perfect family, loving husband, beautiful home and a good business, (well I do have my ambitions, don’t see why I cant include them in my dreams).

Anyways, bottom-line… I’m not allergic to men, and I do want a relationship, but I’m just not ready to settle down yet. So you guys can rest in peace, and let me do this my way and in my time. But I do appreciate your concern...thanks!